Willfully Determined

Yesterday I pushed myself to do more and to do different. I decided to be a 22 year old for a few hours, I just ignored the fatigue, took the pain meds, and went to back to back movies (7-11:30pm) with my sister, who didn’t think I could stay out late anymore. It was a gift to both of us to be able to spend that time together, just enjoying doing something that was so out of the norm.

Usually I sleep through 60-80% of movies anywhere we watch them, our basement, my room, the movie theater, other peoples houses… But last night I worked hard to stay awake, and I did a stellar job. My POTS/dysautonomia leaves my body unable to pump blood to my brain when I sit down for too long, so I fall asleep or pass out even if I’m loving a movie or having a great conversation with someone; but usually, if I move around or take a walk I start to feel much more human again and stay awake for at least 10-20 minutes 😉

My family asked me if I really had energy for this, and here is what I told them,

“No, I don’t have the energy, but this isn’t about energy.  This is about desire and determination.”

Sometimes I have to accept my symptoms, accept my situation, and make a choice to push past all of the exhaustion, pain, nausea, and sensitivities so that I can remind myself and those around me that I’m still me, and that there are still things out there, outside of my “safe zone” (aka my house and my room). Watching the world go on without you can be a very strange feeling, it’s like watching from an outside view, looking down on the life I thought would be mine and watching others continue on without me. The world doesn’t wait for anyone.

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot of “nothings” from doctors; some literally don’t have anything to say, don’t answer emails or calls or anything, others telling me they can’t take on my case or I’ve exhausted the options they can offer. It’s a lot of “keep you comfortable” and “manage symptoms.”

After so much of the same, I’m so tired of doctors and meds and tests or treatments that no one actually thinks will work. I want to live. I want to experience my youth, I want to really feel alive and I want to cross items off of my bucket list.

I want to travel and see incredible sites and take countless photos. I hope to visit all of the girls who I’ve met online, the ones who have helped me through these years of illness, and I want to meet new people, and fall in love. I want to get rid of these tubes so I can swim with dolphins and scuba dive, get as close to my mermaid dream as possible.

I have a lot of goals, and I may never accomplish all of them, but they make for some happy thinking & I never pass that up. 🙂

 

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I’ve always been told that I’m a lot like my mom. We are both strong willed (maybe stubborn), hardworking, and loving women. My mom is more free spirited and outgoing than I am and loves to be spontaneous; while I tend to like to have a plan, she’s always up for adventure. Although I’m slightly more “rational” as we put it, we both always look for the positive in the situations we are in and help each other hold on to hope.

I am so blessed to have a mother who not only went above and beyond in my childhood but who continues to care for me today– in my adulthood! Not everyone is lucky enough to have even half of that.

My mom goes above and beyond each day to help me and my sisters be as healthy and as happy as we can. She works a full time job and parents full time for 3 of us! Having a grown child who is as sick as I am is more than a full time job in itself, yet she manages a job and my sisters as well. Of course having a wonderful husband and father helps, too 🙂

Although my mom never planned for it, she has become my at home nurse. She overcame her squeamish side and learned how to change a port needle, prep feeds and fluids, handle all of my feeding tube supplies, deal with my fainting, and so much more. She’s incredible.

My mom is also one of the strongest women I know, both emotionally and physically! Neither one of us is great with expressing ourselves emotionally, but she’s been through so much yet remains so strong. She supports me and the rest of our family through everything and always advocates for us without hesitation.

I could go on and on about my mom and all of the amazing things she does, but this is a post to celebrate her birthday! So, happy birthday, Mom! I hope your day is fabulous. I love you so much. I wouldn’t be able to do this without you. Thank you for fighting beside me every day❤

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) is a group of genetically inherited connective tissue disorders. EDS causes a severe defect in the production of collagen, which is the part of the connective tissue is what provides strength and elasticity to major structures in your body such as your skin, joints, and blood vessels. EDS can range from being mild to being life threatening from person to person.

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EDS mama and nurse 🙂

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome is considered a rare disease, and although I have the most common type, EDS type 3 or hypermobility type, there is still a major lack in research and funding. There are six different types of EDS, some more severe than others. There is no cure for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and very few treatment options.

EDS type 3 is diagnosed based on clinical evaluation and family history. Doctors look at joint hypermobility using a nine-point scale called the Beighton scale. I scored an 8/9 on my clinical evaluation, you generally need a 5 to be diagnosed, but it varies some. Other things they look for are easy bruising and scarring, stretchy and soft skin, subluxations and dislocations, joint and back pain, GI symptoms or bowel disorders, dental crowding, and postural orthostatic tachycardia. I have all of these symptoms and we found that my mom fits much of the criteria for EDS as well.

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My shoulder is in the process of sliding out of place in this photo, just because of how I was selfie-ing! Oops!

That’s a simple medical definition of EDS, but it is such a complex illness and causes daily symptoms and complications. In my case, we believe EDS is the underlying cause for many of my other conditions. It is likely that this genetic condition predisposed me to the autonomic dysfunction that led to Dysautonomia (POTS & NCS) as well as the failure of my GI tract. I have also been diagnosed with scoliosis, osteoporosis, and have suspected fibromyalgia that causes severe nerve pain throughout my body. My EDS causes severe joint pain and chronic back pain that often leaves me bed bound as well as constant subluxations and dislocations of my major joints such as my shoulders, knees, hips, thumbs, wrists, ribs, and collar bone. I rely on my feeding tube for nutrition and my port for hydration because my stomach and intestines/colon no longer function properly due to gastroparesis and generalized intestinal dysmotility.

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My feeding tube goes through my stomach and into my intestines so that I can bypass my stomach and receive nutrition.

Because I have low bone density (weak bones) and experience regular subluxations (joints popping in and out of place), I have to be extremely careful not to hurt myself. I can fracture bones much more easily than most and my skin bruises from things as simple as crossing my legs the wrong way or wearing boots for long periods of time. I used to be extremely active and adventurous and I loved to run and swim, but now I’m lucky to be able to take a short walk or do simple floor exercises a couple of days a week. My chronic fatigue syndrome leaves me in bed anywhere from 16-22 hours a day sleeping and resting and even when I’m awake I’m usually still just at home because of pain/nausea, daily migraines, and fatigue.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome has changed my life, just as it changes the lives of everyone else it affects. I have had to leave school and am unable to work due to high levels of daily pain, constant nausea, and extreme fatigue. One positive thing that has come from my diagnosis is the many friends I have been able to make from the online support communities that I joined once learning I had the condition. Making friends who are going through the same things that I am has been such a gift, even if most of them live in different states and even different countries.

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My first ever EDS friend! She also has gastroparesis and Dysautonomia/POTS just like me!

February 28th is rare disease day, so take time to be aware and spread awareness for rare conditions like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome today. These conditions need more research, funding, and awareness so the millions of people living with rare conditions can move towards finding cures.