In October of 2017 I had my GJtube surgically changed into two separate tubes – a jtube and a gtube – after months of tube trouble due to my severe dysmotility throughout my GI tract. This surgery was insanely painful due to complications brought on due to my EDS, so my recovery was long painful, and during that time I relied on my parents for EVERYTHING. I couldn’t sit up in bed on my own, couldn’t walk, shower, brush my hair, or seemingly do anything else because all of these movements require abdominal contractions/tension and every time that happened I was in excruciating pain.
It was during that time that I began thinking about how lucky I was to have my 24/7 support team who were there for me always, no matter what, no complaining, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of anyone going through this alone, so I decided to be there for every tubie I could. Chronic illnesses are one of those “find out who your real friends are” situations and it can be brutal and shocking seeing who it is who puts the effort in, my goal is to step up and be that person when I can, but also to encourage others to do the same; so two years and lots of work later, over 300 packages have been sent out to first time tubies.
To celebrate this milestone we’ve started a shirt fundraiser to raise money to contribute to Newbie Tubie Care Packages!
Living with chronic illnesses or other conditions that cause one to be unable to eat enough to sustain themselves on their own and cause the need for a feeding tube is incredibly challenging, and that’s a massive understatement. Imagine life without your favorite foods , without the ability to go out for ice cream or coffee or a drink with friends, not sitting around the table and eating thanksgiving with your loved ones, having to come up with options not involving food for social gatherings or first dates, and explaining to people why you aren’t eating or what that little knobby thing on your tummy is.
Feeding tubes require incredible strength and self awareness, they are life changing, but they are nothing to be ashamed of, they are a gift that gives life back to more people than you would ever imagine – young and old, boys and girls, and due to so many different causes or conditions, feeding tubes are so much more than just a life sustaining piece of plastic, so join us in spreading awareness and celebrating year 2 of Newbie Tubies as well as the gift that so many of us are given through feeding tubes – the gift of nutrition, energy, and a life we may not have had without them.
Whether you’re a tubie or not, purchasing a shirt shows your support and love for tubies and contributes to our care package program that sends packages (free of cost) to first time tubies. No matter where your strength comes from, these shirts represent that strength.
We run on donations and these shirts are super cute, so it’s a win-win! You do not have to be a tubie to be Tubie Strong! Purchase a shirt for yourself and wear it proudly, no shame, just strength and power in your self and appreciation for the gifts we often take for granted.
Mindfulness. It is just amazing how big of an impact our thoughts can have on our bodies, on our ability to heal. It’s important that you fill your mind with optimistic or positive, healthy thoughts and your life with all of the things that have always brought you joy, all of your hobbies, and the people who put a smile on your face.
Today’s technologies allow for incredible connections; there is a huge online presence of “spoonies” (as we call ourselves) all over instagram and facebook, both individual pages and group pages! This resource is a HUGE gift to those of us who suffer from severe illnesses that leave us homebound or bed bound with little to no social interaction, but there are cons to this as well.
When you surround yourself with individuals who are sick, and you are sick and have been for a long time, it begins to feel normal. You start to forget what it feels like to be healthy, to be a functional, productive person. When you start to feel that way you know it’s time to reevaluate your perspective, remind yourself of what makes you feel like YOU. Not sick you, not healthy you, but YOU.
Be mindful, know your limits physically and mentally. Will all of these posts from other sick chicks – some of them trending towards competitive over who is worse off, some who seem to thrive off of the attention from being sick – make you focus too much on the sickness? Does life revolve around illness? Because it doesn’t have to; no matter how sick you are, you are more than your illness.
There’s a lot more to mindfulness than this, but it’s a start. I encourage you all to focus not on your illnesses, not on symptoms and treatments and bad doctor visits, not of scary unknowns and dooming diagnoses, but on all of the aspects of your life that were there before illnesses, that exist independently from illness, that bring you simple pleasure, joy, distraction, love. Positivity. Light.
Every New Year I like to think, this is my year. I look back on the last year, or really just on my journey in general, and I think of course of my illnesses and my desire to find a cure or a treatment that would lead me to a more “normal” lifestyle, but year after year that doesn’t come. This year, I’m not relying on specialists with new perspectives or treatments that will be approved by insurance, I am instead looking at myself and my situation and thinking how can I work to maximize my experiences and the value of my time? I may never have my cure, and I may not get rid of my medical devices, but I can make the most of the life I have, and now that I’ve been through all the tests and all the procedures and I’ve seen the biggest and the best doctors out there, and here I am, how can I help myself?
I have just as many goals and dreams as I did when I was 16 and healthy, but now they mean even more to me. I want to get back to who I was, who I am, as much as I can. I don’t plan to achieve all of my goals this year, but I think setting myself up with healthy goals and positivity, a hope for a fulfilling life, could be the most effective “treatment” I can have.
I want to be more active, both in a sense of being able to spend more time outside of my home but also being stronger and feeling more fit and less frail. I want to make friends who are here for me regardless of my health and all that comes with that.
I want to fall in love, I want to feel like I am loved and adored no matter what my stomach looks like, no matter what I can or cannot do, no matter what date night looks like. I want to know there is a person out there who doesn’t need to see past all of my greatest insecurities, but is understanding of all I’m working through.
There are so many places I want to go and things I want to do, and I want to be able to do it without limitation, but if I have to work around things, I will. I can’t do a lot of the things on the top of my bucket list right now – swim with dolphins, scuba dive, snorkel in the tropics, etc. – but I can work up to it. If I’m facing a lifetime with health complications, I’ve got to start embracing that and working with it even more than I do now.
It’s not as if I can pick up and go today, I’ve got a few things to try to manage a bit better before I go too crazy, but it’s only January 7th so no one is too far into resolutions, right?
I have to learn to push myself in healthy ways but form a relationship with my body where I am able to feel more control while still continuing to listen to my body. I’m going to start with keeping up with the blog, revamping and working hard on Newbie Tubies, and trying to be more active.
Ice ice everywhere! Our first bout of winter weather came to town this week, and it was enough for two snow (ice) days for the kiddos, pretty much the most exciting thing back then. Sadly, I’m no longer an exited 6year old whose biggest worry is whether or not there will be school tomorrow, and though I still love waking up to a winter wonderland, snow days are a lot different for me now.
I live in the woods, and my driveway is a gravel mountain itself, so when the weather is bad, we are often stuck here for as long as the ice is. This ice storm came through on a Wednesday night/Thursday, which of course, with my luck, is the day my medical supplies are sent out (Wednesday) and delivered (Thursday). I rely on all of these supplies to stay alive and out of the hospital. My entire week’s worth of food (tube feeds), hydration (IV saline), and the medications and supplies that are vital for keeping me going are in one, very heavy, box.
My home health/ pharmacy does everything they can to make things run smoothly, but they can’t/won’t send packages early, so during a winter weather storm like this, things can easily get lost or delayed. I received an email from my pharmacy saying the supplies hadn’t gone out on time and weren’t able to be delivered on Thursday, so it became a question of how long would it be until our driveway would be passable, giving us the chance to go and others to come.
That said, it doesn’t necessarily all ride on them, my network goes much further that that, and in ways some may not have ever thought to take time for Before. I received an unknown call on Thursday, and I was surprised when it was my delivery driver from FedEx! He called me to let me know he wasn’t running his route today due to the weather and the road conditions, but he saw my box and knowing how important it is, he called me personally to see if there was any way for him to get it to me. So even though he wasn’t working his normal delivery route, he took time to call and was ready to put forth effort to get that box – filled with those important medications and fluids to me in any way we could. How incredible is that? Just the offer was so genuine and an incredible inspiration, a true member of my team.
I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, because this isn’t the first time I’ve had interactions with him—always positive ones. This man has always been incredibly kind to me. I’m almost always home alone during the day, he sees me hooked up to my IV pole and a total mess lookin’ straight out of bed, always trying to control my crazy dogs, but no matter what the chaos is, he is always smiling and helpful. You don’t come along delivery drivers who are always ready to do more, to push the job requirements and just be compassionate and accommodating, but anytime he sees an opportunity to be helpful, he is there.
Putting for that effort without being asked to is such an incredible gesture, I know not everyone would do that. I feel incredibly grateful to have such caring and empathetic people in my life, even someone who just knows I’m young and sick and get weekly medical supplies. There’s no limit to who can share and spread love and support, and I couldn’t ask for a better reminder of that. There are so many members of my medical “team,” and you probably don’t automatically consider a delivery driver to be a key member, but in bad weather, lost boxes, damaged product, etc., you better believe that these individuals are key to your treatments, your well-being.
In a time during which I am feeling a bit lost when it comes to doctors and support (aside from my fabulous parents <3), having these individuals who really do care and put forth such effort is an incredible blessing. This week I was reminded of that, reminded to appreciate everyone who puts forth effort into my journey, some of whom don’t even know they are participating while others are doing work behind the scenes that I don’t know about.
I urge you all to think about each member of your team, including all of your (kind/helpful) nurses, the x-ray /IR techs, and your pharmacy or delivery service, home health, etc. Think it through, make a list if you are as forgetful as I am. And then let them know you’re feeling appreciative! Bake cookies or write a thank you card, you never know who might be in need of a little appreciation.
Spread the love, and never underestimate the impact someone can have or how much just one small act of kindness can change the course of someone’s day.
During recovery from my second tube surgery just 3 months ago, which I admit was long and pretty brutal pain wise, I realized how lucky I am to have such an incredible family support team working around the clock to help make me as comfortable as possible. I know so many people, of all ages, are walking the same journey but don’t have the support system that I do, and because these conditions are so uncommon, most people have never heard of them or have no idea that anyone can require a feeding tube no matter how old they are or how healthy they have been.
Sadly, most of us –myself included– just have to learn from experience, both our own and from online connections to people who are also experienced tubies or caretakers. I’ve had tubes for 3 years now, so I have a lot of first hand experience as well as what I’ve learned from my online community; so, if I can use my experiences and my knowledge to help bridge the gap and make the transition to tube life at all easier, I can’t imagine not doing it.
In December I began looking for small businesses, mostly on Etsy, that would donate tubie products and a few other care items to my cause and throughout the holidays I used my own funds to buy other products that were on sale, some items included were microwave heating pads, cute socks or fuzzy socks, soft throw blankets, journals and motivational books/journals, etc. I have a more detailed list I will share later on 🙂
In January I had enough to begin! I set up an online application and at this point (January 12) I’ve already had 10 applications! I’m so happy to have another way to share my knowledge, advocate, and most importantly, just to help others who are going through the same/similar things I have/am. It is amazing and inspiring and I couldn’t be more excited.
As excited as I am, I just can’t fund it all on my own. I use all of the profits from my paintings (whatever is left after canvas, paint, mediums, etc.) as my main fund, but that’s limited and depends on how much art I can sell. I do have a few other fundraising ideas, but I will also need to find more donors who are willing to help just because they feel that my cause is worth it.
Depending on the products I have on hand and the person (based on age and needs of the tubie), each package has a value of $25-$50, and that is without shipping. Shipping can cost a minimum of $14-$15 but can be as high as $30, again depending on weight and size of items and whether or not they will fit in flat rate boxes.
Right now, I’m still working with some donated items to create each package; right now, it is mostly tubie pads, some self care/pampering items, a handful of heating pads, blankets, and some extra little do-dads. But I’ve made a large dent in my supplies, so I am thinking a bit more about how to acquire some new donors and brainstorming some opportunities to find new products either by donation or for major discount!
I love supporting small businesses and I include a card in every package with the information of each (business) donor so that my newbie tubies will be able to purchase more of any product they find helpful. I also post any business/shops that donate to my instagram, facebook, and blog, which ends up hitting over 3k people, many of whom are facing chronic illnesses and make great customers.
I know I have so many loyal followers who like to support all I do, and I don’t want anyone to feel any pressure to donate when it is not convenient for you; honestly, I’m sure I’ll be posting my amazon lists or shipping needs fairly regularly, so if now is not a good time, please do not feel a need to donate or purchase anything for me!
That said, here are a few ways you all can help right now:
I accept re gifting!
**Did you receive some Christmas gifts that you know you aren’t going to use? Maybe too many of one item? I know many spoonies end up with lots of coloring books and fuzzy socks!
Or do you just have some extra stuff you aren’t sure what to do with? If it’s something someone could love, it’s package sized, and its in good shape, don’t throw it out!
Way too many adult or child coloring books? How about gel pens, markers, crayons, or any other drawing/writing instruments??
Small toys for children, stickers, etc? Common one, too many stuffed animals?
An extra planner? Fuzzy socks or small throws?
I guess you can say that I will be your “goodwill.” Let nothing go to waste or sit around unloved, instead, donate it to a good cause!**
See the lists below for more information about helpful products/items; I will take a lot of small items to save for someone who would love them!
Purchasing a painting
**My art directly benefits my project! You can order my paintings on the blog or by contacting me directly through email or facebook.
Any profit – what I don’t use for paint/canvas/pouring mediums/etc.—goes straight into shipping and shopping for Newbie Tubies!
If you are local, we can meet in person to avoid shipping costs.
The last option is just making a donation. If you want to make a monetary donation that would likely go towards sponsoring shipping for a box (or two!), you can do so through pay pal, send a check, or if you’re local we can work out a time to meet up for a cash donation if you prefer that.
I am also including my amazon wish list, “Newbie Tubies Wish List,” and my Etsy list, that have items, labeled/listed by priority (amazon), that I update based on what I could use at any given time.
If you are local and would like to donate but would rather pick up an item or two at the store when you go, I am including a list of other items as well. They can be dropped off at multiple locations, so please email me and we can make a plan (or if you work with my parents they will take the items as well). 🙂
If you are a small business, or know others with small businesses, and would like to directly donate products, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org about what product you have and how we can best go about shipping/picking it up!
Thank you so much for reading through all of that, if you made it! Below are each of the lists I have talked about; please, feel no pressure, it is just an option for those who have expressed an interest in helping out 🙂
Its really easy for my mind to go towards thinking about how my illnesses have stolen any predictability about my future; how they took me out of school, have forced me to accept that I may never have my “dream” job or may not even be able to work a “real job” at all. For someone who loves to plan and always wanted to know what was next, living in such uncertainty can be daunting. I fear living a life lacking companionship and never getting to fall in love or find my true soul mate, but then I’m reminded that my illnesses have brought to light so much in myself that I never would have discovered if I hadn’t gotten so sick in the first place.
Instead of focusing on the things I likely won’t be able to do, I’ve started to consider all that I CAN do. I’ve discovered so much about myself that I didn’t even know was there; I have new passions and I’ve discovered talents I had no idea were hidden within me until I got sick and I have a new understanding and a new level of empathy both for the people and the world around me.
Ive strengthened relationships with my loved ones and lost many people who weren’t able to stick by me through my trials, I’ve broadened my outlook and see things in such a new and brighter perspective, and I’ve found passions that give my life more meaning than just being the “sick girl,” no matter what my body has in store.
Although I can’t eat, I’ve developed a relationship with food through cooking meals for my family. I love creating new recipes and trying new techniques with home made goods. Some people are shocked by my love for cooking, but it’s something I’ve always loved and now it’s a way for me to “enjoy meals” with my family.
I’ve rekindled my passion for photography and developed a love for painting– this one I don’t think anyone would have expected. I’ve never been the artist of the family, and although I can’t draw anything, I do have an eye for color, and I’ve found some painting techniques that work for me. Because I’ve discovered these passions and because people (not just my parents 😉 ) started buying my paintings, it has given me hope that even if I can’t graduate from college or work as a full time behavioral therapist like I had hoped, maybe there’s something more out there for me.
I’m blessed to have a community here at home as well as through chronic illness support groups online that support me in every way they can. I’ve had so much support from my local community and I’m so so thankful for each and every one of you. I also have a truly amazing family that does everything from help me with medications/treatments, drive me places, and help with any other around the house/medical things I need and they also help me be able to follow my passions and set me up for success. Not everyone in my situation is so lucky.
Chronic illnesses are exhausting and isolating, they take away so many parts of our lives that we use to identify ourselves. If you’re going to survive it with some sanity, you have to make a choice to not let your illness be the only thing that defines your life– it is always part of what defines you, but if you don’t have other distractions and passions, you’ll just about lose your mind.
The past two weeks have been even more challenging than my “normal” for both my body and my mind. I had surgery two weeks ago to place a new/additional feeding tube and we ran into some challenges and now I am trying to heal and recover.
I’ve had to spend more time in bed since getting home from my surgery because I’ve been unable to move much on my own. For the first week I couldn’t sit up, stand, walk, sit down, go to the bathroom, brush my hair, or do anything for myself. Being 100% dependent on other people is really hard, regardless of the fact that I was already disabled and very dependent on my parents for so much even prior to surgery.
I have to admit that the first week or so post- surgery is all a blur. There was lots of pain, many doctors, a painful car ride home (or two), a lot of sleeping, medications, ambulance, pain, another ambulance, an awful ER, pain…. But what I do remember is that both of my parents were right there by my side the whole time. There was never any talk of hiring a nurse to do the hard work or asking another family member or close friend to come help so my parents could go back to work. Every day I had at least one if not both of my parents there taking care of me, no complaints or mention of using up their sick days.
For the first many days I slept 20+ hours a day with the help of pain medication, nausea medication, and sedatives, which all together helped make me more comfortable. After my ER trip on Monday/Tuesday I stopped taking the heavy pain medications because they delay gastric emptying so I also stopped sleeping and instead started having major insomnia again. By Wednesday/Thursday I was starting to walk on my own and eventually getting out of bed by myself, too. Although I run out of energy quickly and my pain levels are still severe, every step forward is worth a celebration.
Having such a supportive and involved family made all the difference for me; I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with meds or finding a good nurse or anything because my parents and sister were on 24/7 “Rachel Duty” for as long as I needed them. We also have an incredible community that supports me by sending cards, flowers, and gifts but they also support my parents at work and through facebook and texts/calls of support and well wishes. Being the parents and care takers of a young adult as sick as I am is no easy task and it’s extremely important to have that support.
Surgery is tough, but recovery is hell. Waking up each morning in major pain and knowing it’s not going away isn’t easy on anyone physically or mentally, but each small improvement or sign of progress gives me hope. Life is precious and every day that your body is functional and pain free is a gift; I encourage you to take advantage of every day and live life to the fullest, always follow your heart and do more of what makes you happy. Find joy in every day.
I’m about to hit my 3 year mark of being tube fed. I never would have imagined that I would be 21 and fed through a tube in my gut, but it isn’t my last choice as far as alternative nutrition options go.
I’ve been asked and offered many times to go (back) on TPN, or total parenteral nutrition, which is nutrition that goes straight into your veins. This option gives you full nutrition—protein, fats, vitamins, etc—and can be tailored to your exact needs.
Because my intestines and colon are delayed (they don’t process food or feeds at a “normal” rate), I don’t get in enough feeds to meet my calorie goals and I haven’t been able to gain back any weight. My BMI is considered extremely low and some of my doctors would really like me to go back on TPN. For those who don’t know much about TPN and for those who have never had to make the choices I have, I’m going to try to explain to you why I – as well as many of the other girls in the same situation—want to avoid TPN for as long as possible.
Although TPN is complete nutrition, and it probably sounds like a great option to many of you reading, it comes with many risks. TPN requires you to have a central line or a long term IV that goes deep into a large vein and then straight to your heart. These can get infected easily and lead to sepsis, which if not caught in time can be life threatening.
While tube feeding is much more natural and forces your GI tract to at least try to function, TPN leaves the GI tract to shut down completely. For someone with dysmotility (lack of movement), this can mean there is little to no chance of returning to tube feeding or eating if another treatment option becomes available after they start TPN.
TPN also puts you at a higher risk for glucose abnormalities and liver dysfunction. The damage to the liver can be so serious it can cause you to be unable to run TPN or even require a transplant if not caught in time. While on TPN, you are required to do weekly blood work, blood sugar monitoring, and weigh ins. TPN can also cause volume overload, metabolic bone disease, and reactions to lipids (fats) such as nausea, headache, back pain, sweating, and dizziness.
So there are many, many undesired side effects from TPN. But aside from side effects, TPN is scary because for those of us with gastroparesis and intestinal dysmotility, TPN is our last option. To go on TPN means to admit that our intestines are no longer functional enough even just for tube feeds. It means we can’t eat, we can’t tube feed, and we may not return to either.
Yes, some people go on TPN and come off of it able to tube feed or even eat again. Some people only use TPN to supplement their tube feeds or oral intake. Everyone’s case is different and TPN helps so many people live a more “normal” life because it does provide full nutrition; it can boost your energy and help you regain strength and muscle that is lost from malnutrition. TPN saves the lives of many starving patients with gastroparesis and generalized intestinal dysmotility.
That said, it doesn’t make it any less scary. Losing the ability to eat is one of the most confusing and complicated things you can imagine. Going from eating orally to being fed through a tube is one of the strangest and hardest adjustments I’ve had to make, but knowing I could lose the ability to feed even through a tube in my gut is even harder to accept.
TPN is a miracle for so many people, but it is also a nightmare for many of us. It’s what can help us live, but also what can put our lives at risk. I’ve been on TPN before, and I fight my body (and sometimes my doctors) every day not to go back to it. You can’t understand what it’s like to go through this until you’ve been the patient, but I hope that everyone—doctors, nurses, family member, friends—can try to understand how hard it is on the patient to make these decisions and all someone needs during that time is support and love.
Nine months ago my motility specialist gave me three treatment options. My digestive tract paralysis had progressed from my stomach into my intestines and colon and there just isn’t much they can do for that.
Option one– a specific medication –was quickly ruled out due to risks with another condition I have and the third option is not doable either, so we were left with one option.
Our one treatment option was IVIG therapy, or IV immunoglobulin therapy. This is a treatment that focuses on rebooting the immune system and can sometimes help reset some of the issues with the central nervous system. It’s used to treat immune deficiencies and other conditions that can lead to a weak immune system. For me, the goal is to boost my system in hopes that my digestive tract will be positively affected. There are no guarantees and it’s only about a 50/50 chance that it would make any difference at all for me, but it is our best and only real option right now.
It’s been nine months since we put the prescriptions in for that and I’ve been denied by insurance twice. My illnesses aren’t on their list of conditions that require IVIG for treatment and each round of IVIG costs $10-15,000, so it’s not easy to get approved for patients like me.
That said, this is my only option for treatment that may help me improve, not just keep me comfortable. Even if all it does is help me tolerate my tube feeds better and have less pain or nausea, it would be a huge victory. This is what my doctors think I need. So being denied the opportunity to try it is really upsetting; sadly, we see this happen a lot in the chronic illness community.
Our medical system is a money making business, so a lot of medications and treatments take pre-authorization, out of pocket co-pays, repeated appeals, and some are not covered at all. But for those of us with severe, chronic and progressive illnesses, this can make it hard for us to live any semblance of a “normal” life.
I am so thankful to have good health insurance, but the hoops I have to jump through and the delays in my care are extremely frustrating at times. My parents and I spend hours each month calling the insurance agency and calling doctors and pharmacies to advocate for the treatments I need. I’m lucky to have people who fight for my care when I’m not strong enough to do it myself, not everyone is that blessed.
If our doctors prescribe us a medication or treatment option that they think is vital to our health care, insurance agencies should not be so quick to deny it. The lives and well being of patients should be the first concern of every part of our medical system.