Chronic Fatigue Battles Adrenaline

So I am gonna go out on a limb here – I feel like it is probably safe to say that we have all heard or said the phrase, “I’m too tired to sleep,” right?

If you have not heard it or you don’t know what the heck it means, just keep reading and I think you’ll understand by the end of my post! If you don’t, feel free to ask 🙂

One of the worst, but most commonly understood struggles that comes with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Dysautonomia/POTS is when you wake up from a “solid” nights sleep and you still feel exhausted. You have a full day ahead of you with no energy? I mean, does anyone else feel like you have energy when you don’t need it but are lacking when you need it most?

Chronic fatigue is a really difficult condition to live with. It almost always shows itself as daytime fatigue – chronic fatigue, duh right? Okay, but that absolutely does not mean you are guaranteed a solids night sleep just because you are exhausted, right? Duh! You can have chronic fatigue and sleep all day and night and still be physically and mentally exhausted. You can sleep all day and be awake all night, and not by choice, not because you’re out partying or staying up watching movies and eating ice cream, but laying bed in the dark, exhausted and trying to sleep…

Fifth grade. I was in fifth grade when my insomnia came to life, so I’m a pro by now. I also have hypersomnia, something most haven’t heard of but essentially, I’m exhausted all the time and require regular rest, often times a nap or two throughout the day, & on my bad days, I am sleeping more than I’m awake. What really complicates things for me is the hypersensitivities, adrenaline rushes and narcoleptic spells.

Majority of the time I am extremely fatigued, mind and body, but there are times when I am feeling such exhaustion paired with severe pain and whether it be due to pain, fatigue, or medication, I slip into an adrenaline rush that takes me from 0-100 in the snap of your fingers. These adrenaline rushes most often hit when I’m in a state of physical and mental fatigue & exhaustion and are in no way healthy, pure energy –  it does not come after a good nights sleep or a killer cat nap, it doesn’t occur when I have plans made and am looking forward to that, it is a surge of adrenaline that hits at any time, lasts who knows how long and sometimes, for what feels like a minutes time, masks my exertion, distracts from the pain, and allows me to have a little, tiny taste of the energetic, alert, and active person I was before I got so sick.

You know those anxiety driven dreams we have about showing up naked to school or tripping and falling in front of a new crush? Well, in the life of a spoonie, those dreams come true! I have had more than my share of awkward hangout happenstance, with both old friends and new friends, most of the latter never having asked to hang out again. I’ve fallen asleep at a bar, in someone’s car, had to take IV meds plenty of times, plus just telling people about it all is always kinda awkward since people don’t know how to react, but basically every “get to know you” question leaves me with a blank if I am trying to avoid talking about my health situation, so it’s better to be up front about it than to try and make things up. I have yet to try to go on an actual date with a guy I might like since getting so sick, but if it’s anything like making new friends, I think I will hold off for awhile on that.

I am often able to be up and about and even get more done during one of these rushes; I definitely communicate more, sometimes talking fast and nonstop, rambling on about who knows what and driving my family crazy, which can be a hint I am having one. Though annoying, I think my parents sometimes enjoy my less than legit bursts of energy b/c I am more like my pre-illness self when I’m hyped up, so yes, we know they aren’t “normal” energy but what about me is normal? 

The challenging thing about this is that these rushes can last 30 minutes or 3 hours, but once it’s over, it’s over and I crash HARD and FAST. When I go down, I go down, and depending on what I used that “functional time” for, I often require a day or two of recovery time. Usually, though, it is so worth it.

That said, I’m thankful to be having less and less narcotic episodes – I am almost 6 months “clean,” aka no longer falling asleep standing up or mid sentence. I have found a couple medications and lifestyle routines that help allow me some sense of freedom or independence since I’m not being babysat 24/7 – I have plenty of photos of myself sleeping in different locations thanks to my family members who like to send them to one another. I have my little tricks for revitalizing and also know what symptoms to look out for and when it’s time to cut a social visit off before having it spiral into “no second hangout” zone. I’m ready to go.

Being sick for so long and going through so many surgeries, procedures, tubes and lines and changes in my body I just don’t have a great self confidence, I’m uncomfortable in my body physically and mentally, it doesn’t feel like MY body. I was a fit athlete, a healthy eater, I spent hours at the gym every day before I got sick, and now I have so little control over my body and it’s not easy. I have to remind myself that I am worthy and able, that I enjoy every outing I say yes to, that meeting new people has been fun, even if, for whatever reason, we only hang out once.

The world can be an intimidating place when you are isolated from it for so long. It’s not easy to navigate as a medically unique introvert who leads a very unusual life, but if you just look past that and into who I am, I’m really not any different. I may have a unique perspective on things and a pretty open schedule, but that’s about it 😉 Oh, and I won’t eat your left overs, heck, I’ll cook for you and still not eat your left overs 🙂 Who can beat that?

I want so badly to be part of the real world, but my body is fighting so hard every step of the way, almost as if it has a mind of its own and wants me all to itself. It’s an every day battle, all I want is for my mind and body to be one, to feel like one, to function like one, to be a full person, a whole woman again.

So even those short periods of relief from pain and the unpredictable, short-lived bursts of adrenaline have the ability to give me a taste of the world, a taste of life, a taste of ME. Not sick me, not poor Rachel, not anything aside from just being ME. It reminds me that there is a life out there that I am fighting for, that my life outside of illness is worth fighting for…

I WILL find my way back to being just Rachel.

Until then,

xoxo

Button Buddies

When I was a little girl I LOVED my dolls. My first american girl doll looked just like me and I took her everywhere. We wore matching clothes and I even cut my hair to match hers (big mistake). For me, my dolls were so much more than just toys to have fun with, they brought me joy and comfort whereever I was – especially since I was so shy and often needed that “security blanket.” 

It’s not difficult to find dolls with wheelchairs, crutches, casts, glasses, even diabetic kits and dolls who are beautifully bald, but feeding tubes? No way, tubes are not good for the brand, not something kids recognize, not cool like casts that can be signed or wheelchairs that can allow you to take the special, rarely used elevator at school – yet for those who have tubes, these toys can make an incredible impact, and that is why I’m here to be their voice.

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Kevin, my “tubie friend,” has a central line & tube(s) like mine!

When I got my first feeding tube (oh so long ago), my mom made me a “button buddy” by hand and to this day, that koala, Kevin, goes with me on every long trip to the specialists, every hospital admission, and is always arms reach away when I’m not in my “safe space” or when I’m struggling to feel strong and positive about my situation. For me, my buddy represents the love and support I recieve from my mom and the rest of my family as well as the strength and perserverence I have had since getting my first tube, my first diagnosis even. Kevin has two tubes and a central line now, and he’s been a trooper through it all.

With toys like these kids are able to share about things that may otherwise be difficult for them to communicate or to understand; through play they are able to learn from one another and see all of these new things in a way that is not scary or confusing, just kids being kids – all together, blind to any differences, and every child deserves that, tubie or otherwise. 

If the buddy goes to a child with a parent who is a tubie, the child can now not only watch while their mom/dad is “eating” or doing fluids or changing the dressing, but with a buddy, the child can now participate by using the buddy to do these tasks right along side their parent! The same is true of siblings of tubies, classmates, and tubies themselves as they learn to care for their tubes and go through procedures, hospital visits, tube replacements, and feeds or medications that they have to do daily at home or inpatient. 

Button buddies allow everyone in the tubie’s life to be involved in as much of their loved one’s journey as possible in a hands on way that can help them learn and grow and understand all of the unknowns and fears they came in with. Heck, even care takers can get a practice round in on a buddy if they’re feeling anxious about how to hook up their tubie or access a line, prime out the air, etc.

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thank you AMT for the tubie bears!! what an incredible donation, I’m humbled and overjoyed.

Buddies have the ability to provide comfort beyond the normal “safety blanket” item that most have and are attached to as children, it becomes another warrior in your battle and another supporter in your journey.

The incredible thing about play is that children will take in a new toy and hardly even notice any “difference” in it, in this case they may ask what the tube is, maybe what it is for, but likely no more than that, and then it’s just another toy. There’s no judgment, no prejudice, simply children playing together, learning as they go, growing, and that in turn becomes them widening their perspective and accepting one another with no qualifications, no recognition of their differences – just as they took in their toys.

When I give a button buddy to one of our little tubies and they see that tube, the light that comes into their eyes is just incredible. Suddenly that toy & it’s very expensive piece of plastic in its tummy changes how even the “littles” themselves see the feeding tubes, how they accept their own tubes, how they accept themselves. IMG_3006

You can so clearly see  that the  button buddy – a stuffed animal –  has the power to change how these children view their tubes from being a medical device that makes them different  into a part of their body that makes them special, that their tubes are not scary or gross or something to be ashamed of. When they fell in love with their Button Buddy tube and all, they have accepted themselves – tube and all.

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My goal this year is to spread the love and the comfort that my button buddy has brought me with as many of our “newbies” as I can, and that’s all in thanks to our donors who have donated the tubes and stuffed animals or the funds for our animals and the shipping costs it takes us to send out our packages.

We’ve had incredible donations from both AMT (Applied Medical Technology, Inc.)and eSutures Medical Supply Sales, both of whom are making it possible for us to send buddies to an incredibly increased amount of tubies this year than any year past ( we are still always looking for low profile tubes) and I just can’t wait to share this with you all….

If you want to sponsor a Button Buddy you can do so by making a donation of anywhere from $12 (for just the animal) – $30 (for the button & “surgery”) – each bear is valued at $30 and shipping is $8-$15 each.

PayPal & Venmo are both @positivelyrachel.com

You can also purchase an animal and send that to us to use to create a buddy! We have an amazon list or you can pick one out on your own and ship it to us!

Here is our AMAZON Buddy link!

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/W9IXBH9TFV4A?ref_=wl_share

Xoxo

Rachel

Newbie Tubies Round 2

I’m so excited to start year 2 of Newbie Tubie Care Packages (NTCP), after such a successful first year, I can only imagine what 2019 is going to bring. As we begin this year, I want to update you on our progress & how you can continue to help us make this project possible.

We just had a feature in my local paper, and I’m so excited to have had that opportunity! Newbie Tubies isn’t just about packages, it’s about bringing together tubies new and “old,” and to create a space where we can learn from one another and create friendships. Newbie Tubies is also aimed towards the caregivers and loved ones of tubies or spoonies, we want to support everyone as much as we can, in any way we can, for as long as that person is around, tubie or caretaker.

To keep this project up and running I have worked endlessly to find people willing to donate to this cause, or even better, others who are as passionate as I am and are ready to be part of the NEWBIE TUBIE TEAM, and though I got turned down or ignored more times than I can count, I did find a few ladies who are a true part of the team and help whenever they can.

Most of my donors are or were sick themselves or caretakers, and that’s why they make items like tubie pads and thermo-bags for IV fluids, etc. Our donors know the importance of this project, and I am continually amazed at the empathy and support I have gotten from these individuals who I have never “met.”

That said, my 3 tubie donors and 1 heating pad donor, as incredible as they are, they’re also trying to make money from their products, many to pay medical bills. I can’t ask 4 women to donate enough for over 100 packages!

I am always looking for more individuals or groups of people who feel inclined to join Newbie Tubies and the VIP donor program, which means I do everything I can to send people in the direction of the shops who donate to us, and I post on all platforms (FB, IG, blog, twitter, in boxes, etc.) both to thank our donors, but also to “pay it forward” in the way of sending people their way.

If you ‘re interested in being involved but don’t know how to sew or aren’t crafty, I always have tasks I could use help with. We want to include as many people as we can, both on the team behind the scenes, but also for the members of our program/follow our accounts to continue to learn through blog posts and tip lists while also having a chance to interact with others who are also going through this journey.

So, I’m going to share below some of the things we need in order to keep Newbie Tubies as active as I hope to.

 

WAYS AND RESOURCES FOR GETTING INVOLVED:

DONATIONS: what we need and how you can find it

EASY OPTION!

I have multiple lists on amazon, etsy, and simply items you can find at the dollar store or the mini-item aisle at walmart while you’re grocery shopping! I try to make it very easy.

You can also purchase products like art work and vinyl products that I make but put all profits back into the project – every sale helps!!

            We also have guides and lists for what we use and where you can find it! It can be as simple as buying some extra chapstick or germ-x when you’re shopping for yourself.

Amazon link:  http://a.co/4VCstGg
http://a.co/8DNAefV

Link for Sponsoring a book for our “littlest tubies” : http://a.co/1yuuZO2

Etsy link: https://www.etsy.com/people/rsb4fc?ref=hdr

Link for “Tubie Shopping Guide”/ our shopping list: https://positivelyrachel.com/category/newbie-tubies/

Volunteer Survey:

I have so many projects I’d love to do, but I myself am a tubie and a quite sick one at that, but I do all the packing of boxes with the help of two fabulous ladies who come over almost every week to help, and from my Mom, who is also passionate about this subject. When I started the project, I never could have imagined that I would send out over 100 boxes in just a year! Because of how much NTCP grew, and how quickly, I can use help from anyone who feels called or inclined to be involved.

Specifics:   I need some individuals who are blessed with an understanding of technology, something I lack. A few examples:

  1. Etsy! Anyone up for helping me get my page set up? All profits from my sales go towards NTCP, so I would love to sell more, but I’m struggling with the technological aspect of that goal.
  2. Google Drive – I use google for most records and organizational guides/notes/etc. If you know a lot about that, that would be beneficial!
  3. Graphic design and artistic minds
  4. Social media help; posting, advertising, sharing, interacting – I would LOVE for our IG page to be more interactive, people commenting, sharing, getting to know one another, but I don’t do a great job keeping up with it and making it happen
  5. Keeping track of boxes; who got them, who didn’t, how many we do, etc.
  6. Finances and Inventory – track how many packagegs we send out but also what donations we get- money or product, as well as my own sales that go towards it, and the amount I end up spending out of pocket to complete packages

OUTREACH – looking for new donors, sharing posts, and watching for sales we would be interested in.

a. Find other blogs, pages, or articles that relate, we share them or guest post to spread awareness and find new people with their own experiences that we can learn from!

b. Watch for sales, giveaways, and new shops for donating as well as for individuals who may have extra tubes we could use for tubie animals-– often kids who don’t need them and had an extra gtube at home, and it is no longer needed, etc.

Your own PRODUCTS, what do you make? (if anything)- like tubie pads, tubie clips, other medical items, or any other “carepackage” items like bath salts, lotions, soaps, etc., we would love to hear from you!

1.Tubie pads/clips/go bags

  1. Feed Backpacks – converting kids backpacks or adult backpacks to hold tube feeds, pumps, and such.
  2. Tubie Friends: stuffed animals with tubes for little kids – two part project…
  3. Finding the tubes through hospitals, facebook, and contacting the manufacturers and seeing if they would donate any sterile tubes but ones that are either expired or have defects that make them unusable—explain what we are doing and see if they’ll send us tubes- especially button tubes of any kind, but we take anything we can get! (g, gj,j tubes more than NJ/NG.)
  4. Making them! Do you make these or know you can? That could be another upcoming thing based on donations/tubes we can acquire.

 

There are so many ways you can help this project, just sharing it and telling others about it is helpful. We are looking not for more applications – we get countless applications – but for awareness and depth and support from the “normal” world. The goal is to make this terrible thing into something slightly more tolerable through creating resources and opportunities to be yourself and feel what you need to feel, but also to learn and be prepared for all that could come your way ; I work hard to create a resource that gives you so much more than doctors or healthy individuals can.

 

Happy Feeding Tube Awareness Week and thank you for being inclined to read and learn about this fabulous project!